


Defying Depression

by MrsRemusLupin



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: AU, Bullying, F/M, Hate, Loathing, Marauders, attempted suicide, marauder era, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-06-09 06:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6893614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsRemusLupin/pseuds/MrsRemusLupin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PLEASE BE AWARE THIS FIC CONTAINS SELF-HARM AND ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, POTENTIAL TRIGGERS. If this is something you can relate to I'm always here for you!</p><p>Cat Black is Sirius Black's twin sister, but what will happen when the bullying gets to be too much for her to handle? Will love, friendship be able to save the day? Eventual Remus x Cat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

My name is Cat, well Cathryn, anyway, I'm Cat Black, you may have heard of my twin brother Sirius, well this is the story of how I nearly died, but how friendship and love saved me.

It all started in my fifth year...  
"She's so fat."  
"She'll never get laid."  
"I pity the poor bloke that has to tap that."  
The whispers followed me everywhere, people gawked and stared at me. You see, I was a fat girl, who had no self confidence. They could say anything they liked about me to my face, but if Sirius heard, there was hell to pay. Anyway, I digress. James, Peter and Remus all adopted me, I was their honorary sister, we were all Gryffindors after all! I was never happy, but I was alright, until the worst day of my life happened.

I was walking down to the library from Gryffindor common room, it was a Saturday afternoon, most students had gone to Hogsmede, but I didn't like to go out, too many people gawped and pointed. Suddenly a familiar voice cut through my silence.   
"Oi, Fat Cat Black!"   
I turned around to be met with the cold stare of my cousin Bellatrix.  
"Yes?" My voice was scarcely louder than a whisper.  
"Where's your mudblood friends lard?" Her eyes were glittering with malice.  
"Mudblood? Oh no, you mean Muggleborn Bella." My eyes beseeched her to repent, take back her word.  
Two patches of colour lit up her cheeks.  
"petrificus totalus" the spell flew from her wand and bound my body, I   
fell to the floor with a thud.  
She stalked over to me, like a lioness to a zebra.  
She turned my head side to side using her dirty shoe.  
"You're a pathetic excuse for a witch. You're a filthy blood traitor, you don't deserve the Black name." She spat on my face. I would've flinched had I not been frozen. "And then to top it off you're fat, disgusting. You're going to die alone, die a virgin, die ugly and unloved."  
She cackled.  
My eyes bore into hers. I wanted to clench my teeth, but they wouldn't comply, I felt a tear slip out of my eye.  
"Aww, have I upset the ickle tub of lard?" She grinned with hate. "Good, you know I think I might have some fun."  
She lazily twirled her wand between her fingers. She cocked her head to one side, deep in thought.  
Suddenly she flicked her wand at me, I tried to scream, it felt like a thousand tiny cuts were being made on my skin, I could feel my flesh being torn into little cuts all over my body. I closed my eyes to shut out the pain, it didn't work.  
"Oh no you don't." Her voice was near my ear, she pulled my face round to face her, she slapped me hard. I opened my eyes in shock. "Better."  
I stared at her, it was all I could do.  
She flicked her wand again, I could feel thousands more cuts being made over my body, the pain was excruciating.  
She watched me with a sadistic smile.  
"You know, it'd be better for everyone if you just died. Truly, the world would be far nicer without you in it. Maybe you should just kill yourself. Not like anyone would miss you, not even your pathetic brother Sirius, not like he's missing you now is it?" Her voice was taunting. "Oh yes, he doesn't care about you Fatty, if he did he'd be here now, he wouldn't chase after all those girls. He doesn't care-" she broke off to laugh "surely you can't believe he did?"  
I closed my eyes. Tears slid freely from beneath them.  
".Can't face the truth? No one wants you, no one will ever want you, you're fat and ugly! Understand? Then do us all a favour and die" Those were the last words I heard before she kicked my head.   
The world went black.


	2. Chapter Two

I woke up some hours later in the infirmary. The second my eyes fluttered open Madame Pomphrey appeared at my side.  
"Ah, Miss Black." She smiled gently. "How're you feeling?"  
"I can't feel anything." I whispered.  
It was true, I couldn't feel anything at all, it was like I was just a spirit or a ghost, I couldn't feel my body. All I could see was the kind nurse leaning over me and the vaulted ceiling above her.  
"Good," she paused and her face turned solemn. "I'm afraid that the attack on you ripped most of your skin down to the muscles, I've given you painkillers and skin regrower. But the severe extent of these injuries means it's going to take quite some time. Do you understand?"  
"Yes Madame Pomphrey." I blinked. "Where's Sirius?"  
A small notch appeared between her eyebrows.  
"He's still at Hogsmede I'm afraid."  
"Oh." Tears filled my eyes. "Does he not know I've been hurt?"  
"Professor Dumbledore did send Mr Black a Patronus telling him you were injured." The nurse looked at me sadly. "But there's been no reply."  
"Thank you Madame Pomphrey." I looked at the ceiling behind her head, desperately trying not to cry, maybe Bellatrix had been right. He didn't care about me, he'd be better off without me.  
The woman saw my attention had wavered and left me.  
I must've fallen asleep.

"She looks awful!" James's hushed exclamation woke me, but I kept my eyes closed for a moment.  
"I can't believe someone would do this to Cat!" Remus sounded shocked.  
"Do you think we're safe?" Peter was afraid.  
"I don't give a damn-" Sirius's statement cut through my heart, my own twin!  
My eyes snapped open.  
"Sirius, she's awake!" Remus called.  
I heard a shuffling of feet and then Sirius came into view. He was knelt on the bed by my side leaning over me so I could see him.  
"Cat, are you alright?" His eyes seemed dark.  
"Does she look alright Padfoot?" James's sarcasm was ignored.  
I stared at Sirius, never saying a word.  
He brushed a strand of hair off my face, I flinched and recoiled from his touch.  
His eyes widened.  
"Cat, Cat. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm your twin!" He stroked my cheek.  
I shifted away from him, my eyes looked around wildly. I felt sick, I needed to be sick.  
Remus must've seen my frantic searching, he held a cardboard bowl next to my face. I turned to it gratefully and threw up.  
I felt hands move to hold my black hair away from my face, I jolted when they brushed my neck. I vomitted again.  
I pulled away some minutes later and laid back down, my view of the ceiling momentarily unblocked.  
I could hear Madame Pomphrey being called over.  
"She's just been sick. Twice." Remus explained. I assumed he passed the bowl to the mediwitch.  
"Sick? But that's not usual. Nothing I've given her would cause sickness." She sounded perplexed.   
I heard a set of footsteps approach, Sirius popped into view again.  
"Oh Cat," he grabbed my shoulder, I shook him off.   
"Don't touch me." Even to me my voice sounded brittle.  
"But Cat, I won't hurt you, I'm your twin for Merlins sake!" His eyes searched mine. "Please, just let me hug you and know you're alright?!"  
"No." I scooted as far away from him as I could. "Don't touch me."  
"Cat please!"   
I looked into his eyes and saw sadness and fear.   
"Why're you so bothered Sirius?" I pulled myself up, so I was sat up, the boys and Madame Pomphrey came into view.   
"Because you're my twin! You've been seriously hurt!" His voice was strong, but he frowned.  
"Don't bother yourself. It's hardly important. You MUST have somewhere better to be."   
Everyone turned to me, their faces showed shock.  
Sirius made to move, he raised his hand, as if he'd cup my cheek. Like he used to do, whenever I was crying, if I'd had a bad day, or if I'd made him proud.  
Tears filled my eyes and streamed down my face.  
I hopped out of bed and winced with the pain.  
"No, Miss Black, you shouldn't be up yet! Get back in bed now!" Madame Pomphrey rushed forwards to usher me back into bed.  
I recoiled from her outstretched arm.  
In my head Bellatrix's words kept repeating: 'Can't face the truth? No one wants you, no one will ever want you, you're fat and ugly! Understand? Then do us all a favour and die'.  
"Miss Black, stop being foolish, you're scaring your brother and friends." The nurse tried to reason with me.  
But through the haze of Bellatrix's words I didn't understand her.  
She tried to reach out and grab me again.  
I started to run. I whipped the curtain away and ran down the infirmary. Every step hurt, I could feel the tender new skin stretching, being made to move before it was ready to. Every movement was agony to my pounding head. I heard my friends start to race after me.  
As I reached the nurses desk I saw my wand resting in a tray. I picked it up.  
I turned, pointed it at them all.  
"Just leave me. Let me go." I begged.  
"Go where Cat?" Sirius asked.  
"Away." I breathed.  
"Why, don't you like it here?" Remus questioned.  
"I...I. I don't want to leave, I HAVE to leave. But no, not really." I wanted to frown but my face hurt enough as it was.  
Sirius took a step forward, his hand out to me.  
I stepped two paces back away from him.  
He dropped his arm, his face fell.  
"Why do you HAVE to go?" Madame Pomphrey's voice was concerned.  
"So it's better for all of you." I said it so simply, I couldn't understand why they didn't comprehend.  
'Can't face the truth? No one wants you, no one will ever want you, you're fat and ugly! Understand? Then do us all a favour and die'. Her words were like a mantra, ingrained into my skull.  
"No." Remus shook his head. "Cat you're wrong. We want you here."  
I stared at Remus perplexed.  
I hadn't noticed James had moved around the edge of the room until he grabbed my wrist. His grip was firm but gentle.  
I tried to yank myself away, but he wouldn't let go.  
I started to whimper and sob, my body was shaking. Then all I knew was darkness.


	3. Chapter Three

"Miss Black?" I heard Professor McGonagall calling me. I woke swiftly.  
"Professor?"  
The normally stern faced woman was peering at me concerned, her eyes observed every detail.  
"Who did this to you my child?" She demanded.  
"Did what? Hurt me or made me realise the truth?" My brown eyes were hard.  
"The truth, what do you mean?" She was inquisitive.  
"That I'm worthless, more trouble than I'm worth. Too ugly, too stupid, too pointless to take up anyone's time. Professor you should go deal with something important." I nodded at her softly, the slight movement made my head hurt.  
"Nonsense child." She frowned. "This was Bellatrix Black wasn't it?"  
I stared at the woman. She took my silence for assent, which it was, but it was also a sign of my heart breaking. She didn't deny any of what I said. It must be true then, what Bella said. Maybe I should just die.  
"Forgive me Minerva." Madame Pomphrey bustled in. "But Mr Black and friends desperately want to see Miss Black. I don't think it advisable to keep Messr and Miss Black apart from too long, twin bonds you know?"  
"Of course, I'll be back later Miss Black." She patted my shoulder, she noticed that I tensed and started to shake under her hand.  
She left without so much as a backwards glance.  
I wriggled up the bed until I was sat up. The new skin on my body felt tight, too tight. I wanted to scratch at it.  
"Cat, can we come in?" Sirius loitered by the opening of the curtains.  
I blinked at him, my face blank.  
"Please, we want to see you Cat." His voice pleaded.  
"Okay."  
He and the others slipped through the gap and settled themselves on the bed, I wrapped my legs to my chest, clutching them close with my arms.  
Sirius was the first one to speak.  
"We heard everything you said to McGonagall."  
"Too ugly, too stupid, worthless?" Remus's eyes were narrowed at me. "Don't tell me you believe any of that claptrap?"  
I nodded.  
"What?! But Cat you're beautiful!" Sirius cried.  
"What the fuck Sirius!?" They all gaped at me, I never swore, I never got angry and now I did both. "How in hell can you say that and not be burning because of the lies?! I'm fucking hideous."  
My twin sat watching me with his mouth open, he looked stunned.  
"But Cat," Peter spoke softly. "Your beauty is inside, you're the kindest, sweetest, gentlest soul I know. You're like an Angel."  
I laughed, it was a bitter, hollow, thoroughly unpleasant sound.  
"He's right Cat." James agreed.  
"Funnily enough guys the saying is 'love at first sight' not 'love at first personality'. I'm ugly as sin, fat as a fucking house, stupid to have believed you for so many years!" My voice became more shrill as I spoke to them.  
"That's what the attitude is all about, because you're not the prettiest girl to have ever existed?" Sirius seemed confused. "But you don't care about looks Cat, and YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL."  
"Don't care? Every girl cares." A few tears slipped down my face. "I'm not Sirius. I'm really not, you only think so because you're my twin, you have to think so, and you guys only think so because I'm your friend."  
"Not true!" They all chorused.  
"Oh yeah? Tell me then, what makes me physically beautiful?" My face fell when I was met with silence. "You see, nothing."  
"Cat." Sirius placed his hand on top of mine.  
I stared longingly at it. More tears fell from my eyes.  
I pulled my hand away and tucked it under my knee.  
They all watched as tears streaked down my face, no one moved or said anything.  
I slid my legs to the floor and stood up, I felt a little shaky.  
"Where are you going?" James asked.  
"To get my wand."  
"Why?"  
"It's all I have in the world. I'm too alone without it." I blushed at the admission.  
"I have it here." Remus drew it out from his back pocket and passed it to me.  
"Thank you." I didn't even look him in the eye, I just took the wand in my hand and toyed with it gently.  
"Cat don't...don't do anything stupid. Promise me?" Sirius's voice cut through my gazing.  
"I'm afraid I can't do that." I pointed the wand at my throat. They all jumped up. "Take one more step and I'll be dead before you reach me."  
They stood still, watching me.  
"Cat please don't do this! You're all I have left in the world!" Sirius's voice sounded so broken, it hurt me to hear.  
"Then you have nothing, I am nothing, worthless. It'd be better if I died." Tears continued to fall.  
"You don't believe that Cat." Remus, ever the voice of reason butted in. "You can't do."  
"Avada Kedarvra." The words tumbled from my lips, but nothing happened.  
The boys breathed a sigh of relief.  
"We charmed your wand, it won't do anything to cause you harm now." James explained.  
I screamed in frustration.  
"JUST LET ME FUCKING DIE!"   
"Never." James swore.  
"No." Peter promised.  
"Not a chance in Hell, you're all I've got." Sirius said.  
"I can't let you die Cat. You mean too much to me." Remus sighed.


	4. Chapter Four

"Has anyone ever told you that you're a prick?" I asked Sirius.  
It was a week after I'd tried to Avada myself, and in that week I'd not been left alone for a single minute. My brother, Peter, James and Remus had taken it in turns to stay with me every single second of every single day and night. I hadn't had a single moment to call my own.  
Sirius chuckled.  
"Yes, many people, many times." He sounded amused.  
He slung an arm around my shoulders, I stiffened but didn't brush him off. He noticed the small progress with a large grin.  
"When will Remus get here? At least with him he'll let me have a few minutes silence to think." I frowned at Sirius.  
"I think you prefer Remus because you find him attractive." Sirius teased.  
I rolled my eyes.  
"Of course I find him fucking attractive you knob, but I'm not a total idiot, it's very much unrequited."   
"I have no idea what half of that means." Sirius admitted sheepishly. "But I'm loving the new sweary side to Cat Black."  
"A sweary side to Miss Black eh?" Remus strolled into the room, I'd been moved into a private room in the infirmary. "Cat I think your Sirius is showing."  
Sirius threw his head back in laughter.  
I looked from boy to boy, i didn't find it particularly amusing.  
"So, what book are you reading today?" Sirius asked.  
"Oh I'm not reading a book today," Remus smiled. "Cat's been writing poetry about how she feels, I'm reading that and talking to her about it."  
"Oh," Sirius turned shyly to me. "Can I read some?"  
"Here," I reached into my drawer and pulled out a small gold notebook. "I've been writing poetry for about two years now, this is one from a happier time. Just, don't let anyone else, but you, read this ok Sirius?"  
I handed it to him.  
"Why only me?" A small smile pulled at his lips.  
I shrugged. "Matters of the heart, you're my twin, you won't grass me up with the subject."  
Sirius kissed my forehead and left the room, already flicking through the notebook.  
"So Cat, today's first poem?" Remus settled himself beside me on the bed.  
"It's called 'Guilt', my attempt at explaining why I still feel so lowly and humble." I lowered my head in shame to hide my blush.  
Remus pulled my head onto his shoulder as he read the poem.


	5. Chapter Five

Guilt

Perhaps I should be humble,  
And say I'm sorry  
For trying to do myself in,  
But that wouldn't be true,  
I'm only sorry for you  
Because you can't see why.  
Yet I've caused you pain  
And that was never my aim,  
So I feel guilt, guilty for living,  
How can I move on?  
How can you be forgiving?  
I feel too guilty for going on living.

 

"Cat, why do you feel guilty though? We want you to live, we are fighting for you here, we're all against this depression." Remus's voice was gentle, my head was still tucked under his chin on his shoulder.  
"I hadn't intended to live, and now because I have...well, you're all standing with me, I've made it worse, I've been demanding. I feel, I am, guilty." My eyes glittered with unshed tears.  
"Don't think like that Cat!" He pulled away to look at me. "United we stand, divided we fall." He seemed to emit an aura of seriousness.  
"Well I didn't ask for any of you to stand at all." I retorted.  
I slumped against the pillows behind me, no one understood. Why couldn't they just have let me die? They're making me feel bad for living, I shouldn't be living!  
"What else would we do?! You're our sister, our Cat, we weren't just going to let you succumb to your inner demons!" He sounded so sure.  
I snorted.  
"Inner fucking demon?" My voice was savage. "Nah, this isn't an inner demon, this is just the real Cat Black. Hateful, self-loathing. Pitiful."  
"No." Remus growled, he grabbed my hand but I pulled it out of his grasp, his glowering eyes softened a shade when he saw me flinch. "This isn't the real you, you're in the grips of some terrible mental illness. The real you is strong, loving, loyal, hopeful, admirable."  
I laughed, a bitter tinkle.  
The boy shook his head slowly, sadly.  
"I'm going to make you believe it. It's true. Somewhere, deep inside of you, my Cat, our Cat, is lingering. And I'm talking to her right now. You. Need. To. Fight. This." His eyes bore into mine.  
I gasped at the intensity and fierceness in his gaze, indeed, at that moment the saying that 'eyes are the windows to the soul' never seemed more true. It felt as if he was seeing right into my soul, into the small little spark of rebellion and life that was lost somewhere in the deep abyss of the depression.  
A small smile tugged at his lips, he must've seen the impact of his words in my eyes.  
"There she is."   
A hand brushed my cheek, which then flamed.  
"Now, Miss Black," he lightly returned to our easy banter. "The next poem..."  
I sat up a little straighter and began to read the next poem to him.


	6. Chapter Six

It was a few days later that I hit the next low. You see, earlier on I'd explained how I felt uncomfortable eating in front of other people, so it was practically the only fifteen minutes of the day that I was actually left alone. But, as it turned out, I wasn't really alone...

Madame Pomphrey had just brought in a tray of dinner, a large plate was covered with roast potatoes, runner beans, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, a Yorkshire pudding and gravy.  
"I don't want to see a single thing left Miss Black." The nurse gently ordered.  
"Yes Ma'am." I smiled, it was my latest trick; fake smiles.  
The second she was out of the door I pulled my wand out from under my pillow. I vanished everything on the plate apart from the small Yorkshire pudding, which I quickly ate taking huge sips of water between bites. Once I was finished I put the tray on the table at the foot of my bed.   
I slumped back against the pillows with a small smug grin on my face. At this rate I would be suffering with severe malnutrition in about a week, and no one suspected a thing. This was perhaps the only time I was ever grateful I was fat, no one could see the lack of eating, it takes six weeks for weight loss, to be visible and by that point it'd be too late for me.  
I cackled. They were falling for my fake happiness, my fake return to health.  
Suddenly a flicker caught my eye, I turned my head to the left and saw a rather furious looking James sat in the chair beside my bed.  
"That's it!" His voice was trembling with anger. "I've been here for the past two weeks, and every night you've vanished your food, eating less than...I don't know...100 calories. Cat! It'll kill you."  
"Precisely." I couldn't help the smirk that crept on to my face. "I should've guessed one of you would be here under the invisibility cloak."  
"Yes," he sounded bitter. "An oversight on your part."   
He stood, paced at the foot of my bed and then pulled out his wand. He grabbed a blank piece of parchment from my beside table.  
"secretum nuntius" the parchment glowed red, a message appeared and then faded away as the parchment returned to its usual colour.  
"What the fuck was that?" I demanded.  
"A summons, it sent a message to the other marauders, the parchment nearest to them, which is almost definitely the marauders map, will glow and they will see what I've written." He sounded boastful.  
"Oh whoopie do." The sarcasm was so thick it could've been cut with a knife.

Less than three minutes later a breathless and red faced Sirius and Remus collapsed into the room.  
"Where's Wormtail?" James asked.  
"Distracting Madame Pomphrey and maintaining an image of normality." Remus supplied, he'd gotten his breath back much quicker than Sirius, and he strode over to me. He looked very stern.  
"And now, Cat." His cheeks paled as he grew angry. "What is this I hear about you vanishing your food rather than eating it?"  
"Yes," Sirius appeared on the other side of the bed. "I know that my twin, who promised me that she was going to really work at getting better, wouldn't break her word."  
A bark of laughter escaped me.  
"Ah, promises Sirius. They mean fuck all." I lowered my eyebrows at him. "You should know that Sirius, don't you promise forever to a girl and then just give her a week?"  
"That's different!" He spluttered.  
"Not at all brother mine." I grinned evilly at his pathetic come back. I slipped out of bed and brushed past him. I hopped up on the desk by the window. The boys turned to look at me while I perched on the parchment strewn desk.  
"Cat, you'll get ill. It'll hurt. Don't you care at all?" Remus demanded.  
"Yes, I know. It already does, but pain is good, it is all I deserve." I smiled sweetly. "Besides, it won't last forever, just two/three more weeks. Of course I don't care."  
All the boys paled when they saw how serious and calm I was. They'd been expecting hysterics, I was giving them serenity, calmness.  
Suddenly Remus drew his wand, he flicked it at the desk and I found myself held captive, vines had sprouted from the wood, to bound my hands and legs to the object.  
"Release me. Now." My teeth were clenched.  
He didn't respond, he just growled menacingly.  
"Moony." James's voice was firm. "Violence won't help, being possessive won't help."  
Sirius grabbed a bar of chocolate from Remus's bag. He broke off a square and shoved it into my mouth. He stepped away after putting it in.  
I spat it back out at him venomously.  
It landed on the floor.  
He broke off another square and held it in front of my face. I clamped my lips together.  
"Open up and eat it." He demanded.  
I shook my head, my eyes glared at him defiantly.  
"Don't make me force you Cat, please?" I looked into my twin brothers eyes and saw pain, fear.  
I clenched my eyes shut.  
I felt someone tugging on my hair, hard. I started to shout. Sirius shoved the chocolate in my mouth. I spat it straight back out.  
"GO TO HELL!" I screamed at him.  
He stepped away, his shoulders down, posture defeated. He sunk onto my bed. My heart broke.  
James went over to Sirius and crouched in front of him, one hand on his shoulder.  
Remus came over to me.  
"One square, just one, please Cat?" He placed his hands over mine.  
"No." My voice was beginning to sound weaker.  
The werewolf took a square of chocolate and placed it in his palm. I couldn't help but eye the food hungrily. He coaxed my mouth open and slipped the square inside.   
He held a palm over my mouth, so I couldn't spit it back out. I suppose I could've bitten him, but I didn't, I munch on the chocolate. My lips brushed his soft Palm, it felt warm, dry, loving.

He moved his hand away a few seconds later. He smiled at me, a pure smile of happiness.  
"Thank you Cat." He pecked a kiss to my forehead.   
At the feel of his lips against my forehead I started to cry. Sobs broke from my body, tears fell from my eyes. He immediately released the magic that held me to the desk, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders.  
Sirius and James appeared at my side, the formers hands cradling my own, the latter patting my knee.  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Those words kept slipping from my mouth.   
Sirius pulled me into a hug, wrapping his love around me.  
"I love you Sirius I'm sorry." My tears dampened his shirt shoulder.  
"Shh, shh, shh, I love you too Cat. I forgive you." I couldn't see Sirius's face, but he looked at his two friends with a look of confusion, he mouthed the word 'girls'.   
I pulled away from him and turned to James. I offered him my hand.  
"Sorry Prongs, I forgive you." He took my hand, shook it and then pulled me into a brief hug.  
Lastly I turned to Remus. My eyes filled with more tears, my cheeks flushed red in embarrassment.  
"Forgive me Remus? I do love you, you know. My closest friend, well...my only friend."   
He gave me a great bear hug. He had surprising strength, but I always felt safe. Yes, that's what he was, my safety net.


	7. Chapter Seven

"I just don't want to be the fat, ugly thing anymore. I want a figure, I want a boyfriend, I want to be beautiful, I want to be a girl! Is that such a terrible thing?" I screeched at them.  
"Not at all," James answered. "But you're going about it all wrong."  
"Besides, you are a girl regardless of what size you are." Peter supplemented.  
"And you ARE beautiful as you are." Sirius stroked some of my black hair off of my face.  
"I'm not Sirius."  
"You should believe him Cat, you Are beautiful as you are." Remus's voice was soft, gentle, truthful.  
My eyes shot to his as he spoke, they met with a tingle. I shook my head fiercely, but my eyes never lost his. That was why I noticed a small spark lit up in his, he glanced away biting his lower lip. I turned my attention to the embroidery on the blanket that was wrapped over my legs.  
"When can I return to lessons?" I didn't bother to look up.  
"Not yet Cat, Bella's still here, she's going to face a school trial next week, it could go to the ministry. Besides, you're still not quite well enough." Sirius's voice was gentle.  
I nodded miserably.  
"Missing school work are you?" James teased.  
"Obviously."  
"Cat," Sirius smirked, sounding amused. "Your Remus is showing."  
I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

Because of my lies about how much I was eating the boys now spent mealtimes with me too. Something which was both infuriating and comforting in equal measures, but still somewhere deep inside I couldn't help but be glad they were with me. Yet still the battle raged.

"Don't you have a date tonight?" I asked Sirius.  
"Well, I did, but I'm not going." He took my hand. "You're more important."  
I huffed.  
"Fuck off, go have your date." I turned to each of the boys in turn. "Remus, your prefect duties start in two minutes. James, I'm sure Lily must be missing you. Peter, you'll keep me company won't you?"  
I smiled sweetly at the boy.  
He gulped.  
"Err, yeah."  
Sirius narrowed his eyes at me.  
"What are you up to?" He was immediately suspicious.  
"Oh, nothing." Curse my stupid mind! "Just, you lot don't have gossip...Peter does."   
"Well," Prongs smiled. "Cat must be feeling better if she wants gossip."  
I plastered a big fake smile on my face, they all fell for the lie. Sirius, Remus and James left the room after having kissed my forehead and wishing me goodnight.  
Peter curled up in the armchair by my bed.  
"Well, I don't know if you've heard..." He started whittling on about some gossip, I quickly tuned him out. It was time to move onto stage two of the plan.

An hour later Peter was still discussing gossip, I was about to give a fake yawn when I heard him mention Remus's name, my attention was immediately caught.  
"I think Remus is dating Emma, they've been spending a lot of time together lately, and last night I swore I saw her sneaking out of our dorm when only Remus was in there. What do you make of that?!" He sounded excited.  
"Remus and Emma." My heart broke inside my chest as I lied. "Sounds nice, well suited I guess."  
Peter brought my statement and continued to rattle on about Remus and Emma, I just ignored him. For the first time in a while Bellatrix's words came back to me; how could I have been stupid enough to believe they actually cared for me? Of course they don't, it's an act!  
I was broken out of my musings by Remus strolling back into the room, he was to stay with me tonight, in the camp bed that was beside mine. He was already dressed in his pyjamas and had his clothes for the next day draped over his arms.  
"It's alright Peter. You can go now." He smiled at his friend. Then he turned to me. "I'll wait in here while you get changed in the bathroom."  
I picked up my nightdress and a change of underwear from the end of my bed, and unbeknownst to Remus, my wand was wrapped in the bundle. I slipped into the bathroom and changed quickly. Once I was done I looked into the mirror. A pale, dark hair, dark eyed blob stared back at me, the figure looked haggard, but still chubby.  
My dark thoughts led me back to Peters gossip, Remus had a girlfriend, a normal, nice, slim, beautiful girlfriend. Someone who was the exact opposite of me.   
Bella's words flooded through my mind: 'Can't face the truth? No one wants you, no one will ever want you, you're fat and ugly! Understand? Then do us all a favour and die'. She was right, of course she was.   
I flicked my wand at the door, I heard a muffled click as it locked. I knew it wouldn't hold Remus long so I acted quickly. I clenched my fist and punched the mirror. It broke into long shards, I didn't care about the cuts on my knuckles, nor the pain of the broken skin, I snatched up a piece of sharp broken glass. I slashed it against both of my wrists, blood came running out of the wounds at a fast rate.  
The door burst open behind me, I turned and saw Remus in the doorway. He glanced at the scene, as soon as he saw the blood rushing from my wrists he raced straight over.  
"MADAME POMPHREY!" He bellowed.  
He grabbed a towel and pressed firmly against the two gaping wounds.  
I hissed and tried to move away.  
"Get off me."   
He didn't respond, he just held my arms. I thrashed against him, but he wouldn't let go, so I did the unthinkable, I kneed him in the guts. He let go of me and fell with a slight oomph. I dropped the towel from my wrists and I ran out of the bathroom and along the infirmary.   
"Petrificus totalus!" Madame Pomphrey froze me as I ran past her, she swiftly set to work repairing my wrists, once she'd done so she levitated me to my bed. She then turned to Remus. He had a few cuts from landing on the glass. She easily fixed both him and the mirror, which she then charmed to be smash proof.  
"I'm going to fetch Sirius, will you wait here with her Remus?" The nurse asked.  
"Certainly." Remus sat down on the bed facing me. He looked livid, I wanted to turn my head, but I couldn't. So I settled for the next best thing instead, I closed my eyes.  
I felt his hand brush against mine, but I didn't open my eyes. He saw me squeeze them shut.  
"Fine, don't look at me then Cat. But I know you can hear me, and I know you can't do anything to stop me speaking." He took a deep breath. "Do you know how selfish you're being? Every time you hurt yourself you're hurting Sirius too, do you know how much pain you're causing him? Have you any idea how much fear we feel each time we're summoned here, we are terrified that you've actually succeeded in killing yourself." He paused, cleared his throat. "We want you to live Cat, to be happy, have a fulfilling life. We love you, would do anything to protect and care for you."  
He brushed a hand down my cheek, I slowly opened my eyes. I couldn't look at him though, I stared resolutely at the ceiling.  
"We love you." His words were scarcely louder than a whisper.  
I mentally snorted; 'yeah, they "love me".' If I could've talked I probably would've told Remus to run back to his girlfriend. 

A minute later Madame Pomphrey bustled in with an angry looking Sirius beside her. My twin leaned over me menacingly, his eyebrows were dangerously low.  
"What the hell Cat? Not only do you manage to nearly kill yourself, but you attack Remus too?! I thought you were getting better! What has caused this, what is the meaning of this?" His voice was hard, he was furious.  
Madame Pomphrey released me from her spell.  
"Fuck." Was all I managed to utter before the room started spinning. "Woah, when'd you get a clone Siri, there two of ya, and Remus, you look weird with two heads."   
I giggled like a madwoman.  
The nurse gasped as she realised her mistake, she'd fixed the wounds but not replaced the lost blood. She ran to a cabinet and grabbed Blood replenishing potion, she pored a vial into my mouth and massaged it down my throat.  
Sirius and Remus's expressions had gone from anger to fear and sorrow while the nurse worked.  
She stepped away a moment later.  
I felt colour and warmth returning to my face.  
"I don't feel too good." I turned and vomitted over Sirius's shoes. I fell back against the pillows. Blackness started to seep into my vision, until I passed out completely.


	8. Chapter Eight

The next thing I know is voices, well, a voice. I don't know how long I've been passed out but all I can hear is Remus.  
"Cat, please wake up!" His voice was quiet but urgent. "Please, Sirius is beside himself...we all are!"  
I heard him groan in frustration.  
My eyes fluttered open.  
"Sirius..." I croaked.  
"Cat!" Remus yelled.  
At his voice a whole hoard of people appeared around my bed. They all looked immensely relieved, and just a little worried...screw that, they looked wretched, obviously sleep deprived and highly worried.  
Sirius was by my side in an instant, he wrapped his arms around me. I couldn't help but flinch and screw my eyes up. But he didn't care, he continued to squeeze me tighter and tighter until I relaxed.   
"Can't...breathe!" I gasped.  
He immediately let go and moved back looking afraid.  
I coughed and caught my breath.  
Remus made to move a strand of my hair from my forehead, I moved away from his touch. When I saw the sadness and rejection in his soft, kind eyes I started to cry.  
Loud sobbing swiftly replaced my breathlessness.  
Everyone looked at me confused. They stared at me while I cried. I suppose, they didn't know why I was crying. But all I could think was that it proved Bellatrix right: that they didn't actually care. That made me cry harder.  
My harsh sounding sobs brought Madame Pomphrey over. She took one look at the scene and decided that it would be best to give me a calming potion.   
I drank the vial quickly, it tasted very sweet and was a beautiful pink colour.  
The potion was supposed to immediately calm the drinker down, if they were hyper suddenly they'd be normal, tears dry up etc. But it didn't seem to work, well not fully, with me. The loud sobbing stopped and I no longer felt sad but the tears continued to fall silently from my eyes.  
"But that's impossible!" The nurse looked incredulous. She continued to think for a few moments.  
"What's impossible?" Peter asked.  
"She shouldn't still be crying." James filled in.  
Sirius picked up the vial and read the label, Remus slid close behind him to read it over his shoulder.  
"Actually, it isn't impossible. Just highly unlikely." Remus pulled the vial from a shocked Sirius's fingers, he passed it to the nurse. "See here?" He pointed to a section of the label.  
"The potion works instantly and will, in 98% of all cases have an immediate calming affect. However, should the drinker be crying the potion may not seem to work fully." Madame Pomphrey read the section aloud, her voice becoming more and and more shocked. "Should the recipient of the potion truly believe that the cause for their tears is real, or indeed if it is real, then the drinker will no longer feel sadness but the tears will still fall."  
She sat down on my bed.  
"So...you're saying that whatever Cat is crying about is really serious, like she truly believes in it, or worse, it may be true?" James asked.  
Sirius nodded at James's question but never took his eyes off of me.  
My twin sat down in front of me, he took my cold hand in his own. I didn't flinch this time. I just stared at him as the tears kept falling from my eyes.  
"Cat, why were you crying?" His voice was soft, but even in my falsely calm state I could detect an undercurrent of fear, tension.  
"Because it hurts." Was the simple answer.  
"What hurts?" He probed.  
"Watching you all care for me, love me. Believing you care, letting me love you all. Pretending. I don't want to pretend anymore." My voice was scarcely louder than a whisper.  
"Don't pretend anymore then love." Sirius instructed. But we could all see the confusion on his face. "Not that I know what you're pretending about."  
"But it feels like giving up. I'm fighting so hard to die, to find my peace at last. Yet you all want me to stop fighting and just live? I want to stop pretending that i don't love Remus, I want to stop pretending I am happy. I want to stop pretending I enjoy being a spectator of life and not a participant." My speech was eagerly lapped up by everyone save Madame Pomphrey, she disappeared when I started to speak.  
"Then just stop." James pleaded. "We'll be with you every step of the way."   
"Yeah we will," Sirius kissed my forehead. "But not right now, it's two in the morning and I want sleep!"   
We all chuckled a little bit. Then they conjured up beds for themselves and snuggled in.

Twenty minutes later I could hear three people snoring, and I could hear one person thinking.  
"Cat?" I shivered at the mischievous voice.  
"Remus?"  
"So you love me?" I could practically hear his smugness.  
"Yes, what of my feelings?" I thanked Merlin it was dark, I could feel my face blushing. I raised my hands to my cheeks, trying desperately to get the redness to go away.  
"I knew it. I'll make a deal with you. Get better and I'll take you on a date. Deal?" He sounded calm.  
"You're on."   
"Shall we seal it with a kiss?" He asked cheekily.  
"Not if you want to live Lupin." Sirius's stern voice cut through my response.  
I started to giggle, a full, girly giggle.  
I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face. But even then the negative thoughts were creeping up on me.


	9. Chapter Nine

Remus never said if he liked me back.  
Never said explicitly what he felt for me.  
Could be doing it as a ploy to make me well.  
Maybe he's doing it for a joke.  
Does he actually care?  
Also, Sirius is very cool with it...maybe it's  
A plan they all devised.  
What of Emma? Aren't she and Remus dating?

Those were the thoughts stampeding round my mind. It'd been two days since Remus and I had agreed to have a date when I was well. Two days in which I hadn't seen him at all. Though, that was hardly surprising, it had been full moon one day ago. I had tried to convince them to let me join them in the shrieking shack, but that suggestion had been met with a unanimous 'NO.' My internal musings were disturbed when a rather tired looking Remus shuffled into the room. He was carrying a stack of cushions and blankets.  
I stared at him confused.  
"We're making a blanket fort with a cushion lined floor." He looked sternly at me. "Don't argue, I want a comfy fort to rest in. Help me build it?"  
I shrugged and started to build the fort with him.  
Ten minutes, and a bit of magic, later a large cushion fort covered the entire room. The blankets were draped above/around the newly expanded and well cushioned bed, which Remus and I were reclined on, wrapped up in a soft Crimson cover. He was merrily munching on chocolate.  
"So," he asked between mouthfuls of chocolate. "What inner musings did I disturb when I walked in?"  
I sighed and stared resolutely at the blanket ceiling.  
Usually I wouldn't tell anyone what I had been thinking, which then led me to try and fight the thoughts...which led to death attempts...yeah. Maybe I should tell him.  
" I was wondering whether you're being sincere." I tried (and failed) to sound nonchalant.  
"Sincere about what?" He looked confused.  
"Good question, and I don't know because you've never explicitly said what you feel for me in return. I can't help but wonder if your offer to take me for a date was a tactic devised by you and the guys..,that is to say you don't really want to date me." A frown etched itself on my forehead.  
"I'd never do that to anyone Cat. You know that." I saw sincerity and truth in his eyes. "Besides, I think I love you too. I say think because I've not kissed you yet, if there's fireworks in the kiss too I'll know it's love."  
"Oh."   
I felt stupid now, why did I ever doubt him? Why did I still doubt him?  
"So," he blushed adorably. "Can I kiss you please Cat? It's fine if you don't want to, but...I'd like to try it."  
I blushed too, gently nodding.  
We slowly leant towards each other, our eyes closed, lips getting closer, until at last they touched. The feel of his lips against mine made goosebumps rise on my flesh. As the kiss deepened fireworks danced in my veins. I moaned slightly when his tongue grazed my bottom lip. One of his hands gripped my hair, another cupped my breast squeezing it gently. We were so absorbed in the kiss we didn't hear the door open.  
"Good Godric! What the fuck are you doing?!" James cried, shocked.  
In fact he was so shocked he transformed into prongs, a highly startled stag stood in the doorway, we pulled apart slowly. Both smiling. The stag turned and bolted.  
Sirius could suddenly be heard in the corridor. "What the...Prongs? I'll be back later Cat!" He shouted. "Prongs get back here now you stupid stag!"  
We heard his footsteps recede as he chased the animal.  
"I know I love you now." Remus brought my attention back to him.  
He drew me into a hug, pressing our bodies together. I felt more than a little uncomfortable, but I didn't flinch.  
I pulled away sharply.  
"But what about Emma? You're dating Emma."  
He looked confused and then started laughing.  
"Dating Emma?" He wheezed. "No I'm not, she's been asking for my advice, you see she has a crush on Peter. In fact, right now she's going to be telling him about her feelings."  
I sat facing him, my jaw agape.  
He pushed my mouth closed after putting a square of chocolate on my tongue.  
A brilliant smile broke out on my face, and it didn't leave for the rest of the day.


	10. Chapter Ten

I couldn't sleep that night, a fact that was making Sirius more than a little annoyed. It was his turn to stay with me that night, and he was lounging against the wall beside his bed looking rather miffed. I kept pacing up and down in front of the fire, Sirius watched the train of my nightdress as it followed my steps.  
"Cat, Cat!" He sighed exasperated. "What's the matter?"  
"Like you give a damn."   
"Of course I give a damn! I'm your twin!" He sounded offended, but he smirked.  
I groaned in frustration.  
"Seriously though Cat, I love you, you are my twin but I'd love you even if you weren't! Now, tell your big brother what's wrong." He stood and stopped my relentless progress in front of him.  
"Big brother? You're about ten minutes older than me! Why does Remus like me? Does he actually like me? How can he, I'm not exactly slim, I'm not beautiful." I dropped my head in shame as I spoke my fears aloud.  
"Is that all?! Merlin Cat! I thought it was something more important than that!" He sounded miffed once again.  
I felt my eyes fill with tears. I wrenched myself free from his grasp.  
"Is that all?!" I felt bitter, unloved. "Perhaps you should leave Sirius if you don't understand how that is more than enough!"  
"Fine," he looked angry. "I'll go, maybe then I'll get some sleep!"  
He stormed out of the room slamming the door behind him.  
Tears fell freely once he'd gone, I felt an overwhelming need to hurt myself. I stepped towards the fire which was burning brightly in the grate, I paused though. For the first time in a while I had a reason not to hurt myself: Remus.  
I turned away from the fire, and crossed over to my bed. I clutched a pillow, hugging it and laid down still crying.

No more than ten minutes later I heard the door creak open, I turned over and saw Remus, he was wearing his pyjamas, dressing gown and slippers. He took one look at me and slipped into the room fully, closing the door behind him. He came to me, slipped in the bed beside me and rubbed my arm, he stared me in the eye.  
"What's your stupid brother done now?" He sounded bitter about Sirius.  
"Told me that my insecurities were stupid, pointless and by extension that I am being stupid." I dried a few tears. Now Remus was with me I didn't feel so alone, I didn't feel the need to cry anymore.  
"I doubt they were stupid love, now tell me, what were your concerns?" He brushed his knuckles against my cheek, my heart pounded at his touch.  
"I wondered why you loved me, I'm not exactly beautiful." I blushed. "I feel inadequate. I don't understand why me."  
A look of total tenderness crossed his face.  
"Cat, oh my love, I love you. You're kind, funny, intelligent, loyal, and whether you believe me or not I think you're beautiful and incredibly sexy." His eyes darkened.  
"Me, sexy? What? I'm fat." I was shocked.  
"No, you're not fat love." He slipped a hand beneath the cover and stroked down the side of my body, following the contours of my figure. "Sure, there's more sand but you're still an hourglass. There's just more of you for me to love. I find you so attractive."  
I took a few moments to think over his thoughts.  
"I still don't understand how you can find me attractive. I've been told I'm fat and ugly."   
"Well you're not to me." And with a slight growl he kissed me, a deep and passionate kiss.  
Within a few minutes our tongues were battling, he gently nudged me onto my back, I complied and he straddled my hips. I moaned as he settled himself on me, I liked the feel of him against me.  
He pulled away from me grinning.  
I blushed and grinned back at him.  
He ground into my hips, he blushed with pleasure as I arched my back and bit my lip. I grasped at the pillow behind my head.  
"Oh I do love you Cat." His eyes darkened with desire.  
"And I love you too Remus, my Moony." I ran my tongue over my teeth and bit my lower lip.  
"My Cat. Both I and Moony have claimed you." He growled possessively.   
He leant down and kissed me again, he slowly pulled the hem of my nightgown up, the kiss became more primal as his finger grazed my dampening knickers.  
"Remus." My legs fell further open of their own violation.  
I felt him smile into the kiss.  
Suddenly the door burst open.  
Remus rolled off me and pulled the cover up over us both.  
An amused but apologetic looking Sirius stood in the doorway, a blushing Peter and James stood behind him.  
"Well I was coming to apologise and talk over what was troubling you." My twin smirked. "But it seems that you and Remus have already discussed what was bothering you."  
I blushed and felt Remus grip me tighter.  
"Yes we have. She knows now that she's exactly what I want, exactly as she is."  
I gave a little smile at Remus's words.  
Yes, things were definitely looking up.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING GETS SEXUAL.

I woke up the next morning by Remus's side, the boy was sleeping soundly next to me, I gazed at him as he slept. He looked so peaceful, content. How I wished we could stay just as we were, no world, life or interruptions!  
"Enjoying the view?" His voice erupted from his supposedly sleeping form.  
"Mmmm, yeah." I ducked my head and blushed.  
He chuckled, tilted my head upwards so he was able to look into my eyes. As my sight rose I saw how sleepily dishevelled he looked, I couldn't help but bite my lip, he looked astoundingly sexy.  
"Oh Cat..." His voice sounded deep, really deep. He lunged his entire body forwards so that he was covering mine, our lips battled furiously. I moaned when he slipped a hand beneath my nightie and started to play with my breasts. He chuckled into the kiss, I eagerly lapped up his joy.   
He pulled away from me, his hands danced at the hem of my nightie, it'd risen in the night until it rested at my hips. His eyes made a silent request.  
I sat up as he moved backwards, he whipped the nightgown off of me.  
I clenched my eyes shut, he gently pushed me back down onto the bed. Still I wouldn't open my eyes, in fact feeling my face blanch I raised my hands to my cheeks in fear.  
"Cat," his voice was gentle. "Please open your eyes."  
I resolutely shook my head.  
My eyes sprung open when after a few moments of rustling I felt warm skin brush against mine.   
Remus had taken his clothes off, we were both now as naked as we had been on the day we were born. I stared at his chest, it was well defined, lots of golden hairs covered his chest and led down to a narrow strip leading towards his erection which was slowly growing. I blushed and returned my eyes to his.  
"What're you thinking?" He sounded rather amused.  
"I'm trying to work out why you've got an erection...it certainly can't be because of me." My formerly pale face was now so red and hot I believed that an egg could've been fried on it.  
"Oh but it is." He held his body above mine, hands either side of my head, knees on either side of my hips.  
"How? I'm not d..desirable." I stumbled over my words as I felt him gently grind his hips into mine.  
"Yes you are." He peppered little kisses over my face, then pulled away to grin at me, he looked rather...well, wolfish and possessive. "Your breasts are so ripe and round, they fill my hands so well." He demonstrated as he spoke. "Your hips are so lush and shapely, they'll allow me to grip tightly onto you when I'm pounding into you, making you beg for sweet release. Your face, so innocent and beautiful, but I'll know that flashbacks and knowledge of our time together will lurk behind it."  
I blushed terribly at his words, but slowly, as he spoke, my hand wound themselves around his neck and nestled in his hair. I felt much more comfortable.  
"But what of my jiggling stomach, huge thighs and backside?" I countered.  
His grin became even wider, his eyes a little darker.  
I gulped at the intensity of his desire.  
"You don't jiggle babe, but you're exceptionally comfortable to rest on." He winked. "As for your thighs, it'll be more for me to grip onto when I eat you. And your arse...just you wait."  
I became more and more wet as he spoke.  
"Have I shocked you love?" A little flash of mischief twinkled in his eye. "I know the same thoughts are somewhere in your mind too. Just let them out, just tell me."  
I groaned and dragged him down to kiss me, I initiated it and demanded entrance to his mouth. I absorbed his chuckle.  
Laughter, gasps and moans were the only thing that was heard in the room for the next hour.

Later that day Madame Pomphrey said I would be allowed to return to school after the Easter break, which was began the next day. I practically yelled with joy at her news, a display she seemed to find most encouraging and not the least offensive.  
"Perhaps you should take a walk outside dear? The weather is very nice."  
Before she'd even finished speaking I'd pulled out a pair of shoes and slipped them on. I turned to the mirror and brushed my black hair, that was when I noticed a large hickey on my neck, I coloured a little remembering how it came to be and quickly hid it beneath my hair by pulling it to one side.  
"Where are you going Cat?" Sirius stood in the doorway, he looked pleased to see me up and about.  
"Ah Mr Black, admirable timing. Can you accompany your sister on a walk outside, just for a breath of air?" The nurse spoke kindly to both of us.  
"Love to, I'll bring her back before dinner." His beamed at the nurse and then turned to me, making a show of offering his arm, which I gleefully accepted.  
We soon fell into step together and set off at a fast pace. Walking down the corridors was a strange experience, people parted for us like we were royalty, I could feel the stares and whispers. I couldn't help but grip a little tighter onto Sirius's arm, he responded by covering my hand with his.  
Soon enough we were outside, the cool air hit my face like a bucket of water, but I sighed with relief. We started to slow down now we were outside.  
I took deep lungfuls of the fresh Spring air.  
"I love Spring, a time of renewal, fresh starts. Appropriate don't you think?" I asked Sirius.  
He just watched me and smiled.  
A strong breeze dragged my hair behind me and I huffed a little laugh, tying the damn stuff in a bun at the base of my neck using the hair tie that was normally on my wrist.  
Sirius's eyes turned a little coy.  
"What's that Cat?" He stared at my neck, a small smile playing on his lips.  
"What's what?" I'd forgotten about the mark.  
"Looks like a hickey to me." He sounded more than a bit amused.  
I slapped my hand over it, my eyes bulging at him. He couldn't help but laugh then, his happiness was contagious and soon I was laughing too. Some minutes later we were found by James and Peter in a breathless heap of giggles on the floor.  
James helped me up while Peter helped Sirius up. His eyes turned a little round when he saw the love bite on my neck, he couldn't help but chuckle slightly too.

Once everyone had recovered we slowly ambled towards Hagrid's hut, the half giant often liked to give us tea. We walked exchanging gossip and jokes about what their latest prank ideas were.  
"Where's Remus?" I'd managed to resist asking for five minutes.  
"He's doing a Herbology project with Mariette Wallsy, you know, the Ravenclaw girl? Yeah, they're in the Forbidden Forest near Hagrid's." Peter replied.  
I nodded grimacing. Mariette was, in my opinion, a nasty piece of work. For some reason she'd never liked me.  
I turned to Sirius.  
"Did Mum and Dad hear about the attack? What did happen to Bella?" I asked.  
"Well," James cut in. "Bella's been sent to the Ministry for a full trial and hearing, obviously she's been expelled from here permanently."  
I sighed in relief.  
"The hearing and trial will be any day now, we always check the paper for any news." Peter chipped in.  
I nodded in understanding and thanks.  
"As for mum and dad." Sirius looked sad. "You know they hate us both Cat. They simply said that they wished you'd been more successful in killing yourself."  
"Ouch. But, no more than I expected." I grinned a little evilly. "Perhaps we can return their good will eh Sirius?"  
My twins evil smirk matched my own.  
"Glad to see you're looking so well Cat." James affectionately patted my head.  
"Shall we go to Hagrid's for tea and cake?" Peter looked excited at the prospect of Hagrid's cake.  
"You guys go ahead. I'll just go get Remus first, he's only over there." I pointed into the opening of the forest.  
They all agreed and headed over to the hut whilst I ambled to the edge of the wood. I gave an appreciative sniff, the pine trees smelt especially nice with the fresh air. A few steps into the forest I stopped and listened, I could hear Remus and Mariette speaking.  
"So you mean, you're dating Cat Black, Fat Cat Black?" Mariette sounded shrill.  
"Yes I am."   
A million thoughts were running through my mind: why did he tell her? Why didn't he stop her calling me fat? Does he think I'm fat? What about this morning, we...he...I...  
My musings were broken by Mariette's sultry voice.  
"Well I'm sorry to hear that Remus. I can't imagine it is very pleasant having to date someone so...so damaged and fat and ugly." I could practically hear her shifting her long golden hair. "I think someone of your standard should be with someone more beautiful, intelligent."  
"Maybe-"   
As soon as he had said maybe I stopped listening, my brain went into overdrive. All the self depreciating thoughts that he'd so successfully banished that morning came crashing back into my mind with a vengeance. I sprinted into the dark forest without looking back, without hearing the rest of Remus's words.

I don't know how long had passed, all I knew was I was beginning to feel exhausted, I'd long since stopped running and was now aimlessly walking around. I'd heard of the horrors that lurked in the forest but I had yet to find one. I stopped beside a tree, I needed to build a shelter or something for the night. I looked up at the tree, this one had some lower branches, I climbed up a few meters until I was at least ten feet from the ground. Then, taking my wand out of my pocket I transfigured a rather large trunk branch into a flat platform. I then skilfully transfigured the surrounding branches into walls and a roof. Yes, I'd built myself a tree house using a tree. I cast a warming charm and curled up in the middle of the shelter, my eyes quickly fell shut.

 

*Some hours later*

I was woken up by some twigs snapping and voices.  
"I'm telling you, her scent stops right here." I recognised Remus's voice.  
My heart gave a pang of sorrow as I leant out of the treehouse to see two figures below, I immediately identified them as Remus and Sirius.  
"You...you don't think something caught her do you?" Sirius sounded so afraid.  
I felt bad for making Sirius afraid, that hadn't been my plan. I'd just been so angry about letting Remus get close and then him being so fine with Mariette disrespecting me.  
I let out a sharp whistle, both of their heads immediately snapped upwards, they raised their lit wands in my direction.  
"Cat?!" Sirius sounded incredulous. "What the hell are you doing?!"  
"Impromptu camp out?" I lamely responded.  
"Yeah, I'll take that answer." He grinned. "Don't worry, Madame Pomphrey says you can stay with us tonight, she thinks you're in Gryffindor tower. Now, can guys come up or is it girls only, password?"  
I chuckled and then paused.  
"Well, seeing as it's dark and cold I think you can both come up. Providing of course you take off your shoes." I joked.  
Both boys climbed the tree with ease, laughing as they did so.  
The second they were inside the shelter they hugged me tight.  
Sirius then curled up against the back wall.  
"No funny business do you hear? I'm going to sleep now." He turned over and faced the wall.  
I flicked my wand at the floor, a wall sprouted and grew between Sirius and I.   
He gave a little yelp.  
"Calm down you big baby, it's so you have your own room." I informed him.   
Then, just for good measure I threw up a silencing charm, meaning that he couldn't hear us, but we could hear him.  
Remus sat down on one side of the hut, I slid down the wall opposite him.  
"So, what really happened Cat?" His eyes were narrowed.  
"I heard what Mariette said about me. She's quite right you know, you could have anyone you wanted." I paused, hushing him with a glare. "I'm not finished. It's not like you defended me against her words, you didn't correct her about calling me fat and ugly."  
"I did actually. I heard you scamper off as soon as I said maybe. I gave her a right good dressing down, and then, for good measure Sirius pranked her. The girl got taken down a few pegs I assure you." His eyes glittered menacingly. "Besides," he continued. "Did I not make myself clear this morning? I've claimed you Cat, that mark on your neck proves that."  
I blushed prettily.  
"Oh." I exclaimed lamely. "Sorry Remus, I really should've stayed and listened I suppose. Forgive me?"  
He crawled over and rubbed a hand over my cheek.  
"Forgiven love." His kissed my forehead. "Besides, this is actually quite cool, camping out."  
A cold night breeze swept through the open entrance of the hut, Remus grabbed his wand and sealed the doorway, but still the cool air lingered in the little hut.  
I shivered a little, the coldness caressing my skin.  
"Cold love?" He sounded so caring.  
I nodded, teeth chattering.  
"Well," his voice lilted playfully. "I know a good way to warm up."  
I couldn't help but giggle at his suggestion. Let's just say it was fortunate that I had put up the silencing spell, otherwise poor Sirius might've been scarred.


	12. Chapter Twelve

I woke up to birdsong, it sounded very close. Then I remembered...Remus and I were wrapped up together, just a tangle of limbs and no clothes, we were in the tree house, Sirius just the other side of the wood. I shifted slightly, Remus's head was resting on my chest, the feel of his weight resting on me made me happy. I glanced down at him, ran my hands through his sandy blonde hair. He started to wake, he groggily slid up me until we were face to face.  
"Morning Cat." He whispered.  
"Hello Remus, sleep well?" I asked, amused and ever so slightly aroused.  
"Like I said yesterday, you're comfortable to rest on." He grinned.  
I couldn't help but giggle slightly.  
"We'd best get dressed before Sirius wakes up." He suggested.  
I nodded and reached for my clothes. Remus did the same.  
Two minutes later we were both dressed and just staring at each other. I started to wonder whether Remus would be happy being seen holding my hand or kissing me in public. My face must've turned slightly dark, he immediately crossed to me and held my cheeks between his hands.  
"What is it?" He sounded so gentle, so caring.  
My heart gave a little flutter, so this was love? So much better than depression, hate.  
"Just imagining all the hate we're going to receive when people realise we are together." I paused, then at his nod continued. "I worry you'll realise that I'm not wonderful, not beautiful and leave me, for someone like Mariette."  
He stroked a stray hair off my face.  
"I'll never leave you, I love you. Besides, you're worth so much more than Mariette, you're more beautiful, more talented, you're my witch." He growled the last part.  
He kissed me, his lips were hard, hot, holy Merlin it was exciting. I smiled into the kiss, felt Remus do the same. My fears alleviated a bit.  
"Now," mischief laced his voice. "We have to wake your brother...lets have a laugh."   
"I'm all ears." I felt my pranking smirk pull at my lips.  
He leant down and whispered his plan into the shell of my ear, which he then licked, causing me to shudder and almost forget the plan.  
He nodded and I removed the silencing charm from the wall.  
Sirius was now able to hear us.  
"Aaaah! Remus!" I moaned.  
Yes, we were making fake sex noises and poor Sirius was stuck in the other room with nothing other to do than listen, you see he wasn't very good at silencing charms.  
"Mmmmm," Remus growled. "Oh, oh, oh, Cat!"  
"Ah, ooh, mmff, fuck..." I grew red in the face at the noises I was making. "Harder Remus!"  
"Fucking hell!" We heard Sirius cry.   
We continued to make groaning noises with our ears pressed to the wall listening to Sirius inside the room. It sounded like he was scrambling around, searching for an exit or something to cover his ears with.  
"Cat, oh, sweet Merlin that's sexy...ride me you witch!" Remus snickered at the end of his statement.  
I had to slap a hand over my mouth, the sound simply added to the moment. I tried desperately to smother my laughter.  
"Oh God, PLEASE STOP YOU TWO. MY EARS. MY PRECIOUS EARS." Sirius wailed.  
Remus and I couldn't hold back our laughter then, we started to laugh outright. I quickly removed the wall, it morphed back into the floor. When it was gone was saw Sirius squished into the corner, his hands plastered over his ears, his eyes clenched shut.  
When he heard us laughing he slowly opened his eyes. Once he'd seen us fully clothed, red faced and finding it hilarious he stood up, unblocking his ears.  
"Oh ha ha." He grumbled. "That wasn't even funny."  
"But it was!" I crowed. "As if we'd have sex without the silencing charm up, dude that'd be disgusting."  
Sirius shuddered at the mention of sex.  
He crossed to the wall that led out, Remus created a door. We all slipped down the tree trunk, climbing down the route we'd climbed up yesterday. Once we were at the bottom I returned the tree to its normal appearance, there was no mark of the treehouse now.   
I turned to Remus, he slipped my hand in his and tugged me along gently, a smile on his face. I looked around, Sirius was nowhere to be seen, then I noticed a dog.   
"Hello Padfoot." I petted his head. He barked happily then trotted a few paces in front of us, using his snout to find the quickest and safest route out of the forest and back to Hogwarts.

Once we were back inside the castle Remus led me straight into the Great Hall, we found a dishevelled Sirius was already there tucking into a plate of breakfast. Remus sat down beside me and held my hand tightly. I could feel eyes on me, I thanked Merlin that it was the Easter holidays today, most people had travelled home yesterday for two weeks holiday. It seemed that only a few people stayed. I ignored the stares directed my way and fixed myself a plate of croissant, jam and an apple, as well as a goblet of pumpkin juice.  
Remus smiled beautifully at me.  
I blushed, ducked my head and slowly ate.   
Just as I finished eating James and Peter strolled into the Hall, as soon as they saw us they bounded over grinning.  
"Where were you last night?" Peter whispered as they sat down.  
"Camped outside." Sirius explained everything apart from his wake up call that morning. They actually seemed a little jealous.  
I felt the skin on the back of my neck prickle, I covertly stole a glance behind me, I saw Severus Snape staring at me with cold eyes. I shivered.  
Remus noticed.  
"Are you cold? Would you like a blanket?" He was instantly caring.  
I shook my head, took a final swig of juice and stood up.  
"I'm going to go back to the Hospital Wing, I want to change my clothes, have a shower etc." I smiled gently at them all. My friends. My twin. My boyfriend.  
"I'll walk you back." Sirius suggested, starting to get up.  
I waved his actions away.  
"No need, it's not far. Finish your breakfast." I instructed.  
"Now there's the Cat Black I know and love," he grinned. "Telling me what to do."  
I beamed back at him.  
"Yeah."  
Remus leant up and gave me a chaste kiss on the lips, from the corner of my eye I saw Sirius squirm and drop his gaze.  
"We'll keep an eye on the map." He whispered. "Just to check you got there alright, OK?"  
I nodded and kissed him chastely again.  
Then I turned away and walked from the Hall, still I could feel Snape's eyes on me, but they were so cold and bitter. Just like Bella's.

I was nearly at the hospital wing when someone grabbed my arm and dragged me through a corridor, I noticed that we'd been transported across the school, instead of being near the hospital wing I was near the astronomy tower.   
"Get off!" I bellowed.  
I turned to see that Severus Snape had hold of my arm. His black eyes burnt bitterly into mine. He had surprising strength for one so scrawny looking. I went to grab my wand only to find that it was in Snape's hand already. He pointed his own ebony wand at me.  
"After you." He inclined his head to the stairs of the tower.  
I climbed in front of him, round and round the twisting structure.   
Once we'd reached the top he turned me to face him, and then he walked me backwards until I was out on the balcony, dangerously close to the edge.  
"Tell me Black." He sounded eerily like my cousins Bellatrix. "Do you really think your brother cares about you?"  
"Yes." I snapped.  
"Well he doesn't you know," the teenage boy drawled. "This is all an act, a pretence to get you well again, once you are well he'll be just like before."  
I shook my head defiantly, I wasn't going to believe him, I wouldn't succumb to the thoughts inside my head.   
"Oh yessss." His voice was dripping with venom. "And let's not forget lover boy Lupin. You know, I heard him tell Mariette whatever-her-name-is that you were a spectacular fuck. Apparently the boy loves you."  
He broke off into cold cackles.  
"God, can you imagine, who would love you? Fat, ugly, weak Cat Black. You're nothing. Your cousin Bellatrix however, she's something. I'm doing this for her you know, finishing off what she started." He grinned, his hook nose seemed to warp in my mind until it resembled the beak of the grim reaper.  
I paled.  
Suddenly I heard shouts from down below. Four figures appeared, running across the courtyard, they appeared to confer for a moment and then two remained outside while two ran in and up the tower. Just as I saw Sirius racing for me Snape yelled "stupify!"  
I was flung backwards off the tower, started plummeting towards the earth.  
I couldn't scream, I just clenched my eyes shut, tears pouring out beneath the closed lids.  
I don't know how far off the ground I was when suddenly I heard Remus.  
"Arresto momentum!"   
I felt myself slow down, I opened my eyes to see that I was nearly at the ground. Remus conjured a huge trampoline, I slowly bounced on it for what seemed to be an eternity until at last I stilled. I found I could move again, I hopped straight off it and into Remus's arms.  
He gripped me bruisingly tight. He peppered kisses all over my face until I grabbed his chin and snogged him.  
"I love you." I whispered as we pulled apart some minutes later, both breathless and flushed.  
Two seconds later I heard Sirius yelling for Peter to go get Dumbledore, the boy scampered off immediately. Then before I quite knew what had happened Sirius had wrapped me in his arms, giving me the second deathly tight hug of the day.  
"Oh Cat, thank Merlin you're safe!" He sounded so relieved.  
"I thought I was going to die," I sobbed, shaking and holding onto Sirius, but also snaking an arm out to Remus."that was terrifying. I don't want to die anymore, I want to live."  
"Thank God." Both boys muttered before crushing me tightly between them.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Two minutes later James stumbled down the Astronomy tower steps an unconscious, bound, gagged and floating Severus Snape following him. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw me very much alive.  
Professor Dumbledore, Madame Pomphrey and Peter apparated into view one moment later.  
The mediwitch came straight over to me.  
"Are you alright Cat?" He touched my forehead, ran a diagnostic spell and hugged me all at once.  
"Just a little shaken I think." I hugged her back.  
She nodded and turned to the Headmaster.  
"Physically fine, but that's quite a psychological trauma I'd imagine." She informed him.  
He nodded gravely.  
"Miss Black," he looked incredibly concerned. "Mr Pettigrew led me to believe you were pushed from the tower by Mr Snape here, is that correct?"  
I nodded.  
"Not that I don't believe you, because I do." He grabbed my hand, squeezing it sincerely. "But given your previous actions I must have proof, may I look into your mind and copy the memory for myself, for judicial purposes?"  
"Yes Sir."  
I stood still as he entered my mind, he rifled quickly through, quickly coming to what had transpired only moments before. I could feel him become saddened, angry and protective as he view the scene. He pulled away so,e seconds later with a blue wispy lit that drifted from my forehead.  
"Mr Snape will be expelled immediately." He declared. "And will then face a trial at the Ministry for attempted murder. I'll personally take up your defence Miss Black."  
"Thank you Headmaster." I smiled gratefully.  
"Mr Potter, Mr Pettigrew, I wonder if you might assist me in removing Mr Snape to my office?" The headmaster turned to them, and then to the mediwitch. "Perhaps you should accompany us also, to ensure Severus is quite sane."  
I saw the woman torn, she desperately wanted to see me safely to the Hospital wing, but the Headmaster had ordered her.  
"We will see Cat back to the wing." Sirius put his hand on my shoulder.  
"No harm will come to her." Remus promised, copying the move.  
She nodded shortly and stepped beside the Professor, then the five of them apparated away to his office.  
"Thank God for you guys." I wrapped an arm around their waists. "Let's go back indoors now. Back to the fire, warmth, life."

 

Bellatrix Black and Severus Snape were sent to Azkaban for all they'd done to me, and the Ministry had paid me a liberal amount of compensation for the treatment I'd suffered at Hogwarts. The money was immediately spent on a house for Remus, Sirius, James and Peter and I to live in after Hogwarts, though it turns out that Lily moved in with us too!   
Five years after the fateful day on the astronomy tower Remus and I were married in an intimate ceremony overseen by Professor Dumbledore in the Forbidden Forest, Remus and I spent our wedding night in a tree house that we built, but this time we left it there as a reminder that homes can be built of shifting sands, in the face of dark depressions and on trees too.   
Everyone was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it for this FIC, I would contemplate adding more if someone requests it.

**Author's Note:**

> Please review.


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